@markedly

*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones

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@thepaulahunt

LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.

@svnsxtional

I can give out my number and I bet 8152898509 dollars my phone will still be dry.

@TheDreamGhoul

I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns

@BiIIMurray

I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

@PinkCamoTO

6: What’s a hangover?

Me: The interest repayment on fun.

@gabemakesmusic

I was kicked out of karate class today for describing everything the instructor did as “senseitational”

@TheMichaelRock

After shaking someone’s hand, I like to maintain eye contact while applying hand sanitizer.

@chuuew

ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?

GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda

@ItsSamG

Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.

I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.

@LazyChank

Explained to my client that he shouldn’t put “urgent” in the subject line of every email he sends. He now sends some as “urgent urgent”.