LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
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I can give out my number and I bet 8152898509 dollars my phone will still be dry.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
I was kicked out of karate class today for describing everything the instructor did as “senseitational”
After shaking someone’s hand, I like to maintain eye contact while applying hand sanitizer.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Explained to my client that he shouldn’t put “urgent” in the subject line of every email he sends. He now sends some as “urgent urgent”.