*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
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Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?