@thatdutchperson

[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”

You Might Also Like

@iamburtjarvis

[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]

other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard

harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT

@Scimommy

#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral

@Mom_Overboard

If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.

@NamestartswithZ

MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked

@TheFearBoners

Hey Texas, in Florida it’s legal to abort other people’s kids up to 17 years.

@Book_Krazy

*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*

-Law & Order sound

@Marlebean

At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?

@shopkins776

Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car

@thisis_thatguy

I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.