[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”

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[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]

other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard

harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT


#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral


If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.


MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked


Hey Texas, in Florida it’s legal to abort other people’s kids up to 17 years.


*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*

-Law & Order sound


At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?


Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car


I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.