*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
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Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there