*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
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Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
My wedding will be open casket.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
#dalle2
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room