*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say

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Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,

You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos


If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.


To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now


Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.


If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.


On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.


Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.


High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am

My college professor:



“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”