@mortimermaiden

*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say

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@fowlerism

Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,

You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos

@JessObsess

If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.

@mas6228

To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now

@BGH70

Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.

@LostFelicia

If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.

@ShesARealGenius

On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.

@TragicAllyHere

Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.

@liv_reed17

High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am

My college professor:

@loribuckmajor

“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”

“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”