*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
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I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?