*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
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“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”