Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
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WHAT DO WE WANT?
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
When a guy flirts with me I start blushing uncontrollably and I hide. Then I wait for them outside their house wearing a wedding dress.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
David Beckham says he will retire at the end of this season, mainly because he ran out of ideas on how to do his next haircut.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi