@JermHimselfish

*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend

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@Proxic0n

[Date]

Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?

Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.

*We just start making out*

@Book_Krazy

Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch

@nerdsrockk

When a guy flirts with me I start blushing uncontrollably and I hide. Then I wait for them outside their house wearing a wedding dress.

@SortaBad

Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”

@Reverend_Scott

If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.

@KKAlThani

David Beckham says he will retire at the end of this season, mainly because he ran out of ideas on how to do his next haircut.

@NewDadNotes

Wife: please stop eating so much salt.

Me: why?

Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.

Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?

Wife: [pours more salt on my food].

@alovablenerd

I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.

well, guess what, Brianne?

Happy 25th anniversary

Tell Dad I said hi