*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
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It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did