Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
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A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
What do you hear?
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
“You’d better run, egg!”
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert