@david8hughes

[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”

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@AndreyasAsylum

I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.

@ArfMeasures

Me: Will you marry me?

Her: No

Backing singers: She said no! she said no!

Me: Not now

@fro_vo

WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .

@ImaFlyontheWall

*follows around a family of ducks in the park while playing Sandstorm on a boombox*

@krustythe_klown

Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.

@PinkCamoTO

Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.

@dafloydsta

Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.

@aotakeo

ME: we should do this agai-

DATE: im busy that day

@alexlumaga

I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars