“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”

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I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.


Me: Will you marry me?

Her: No

Backing singers: She said no! she said no!

Me: Not now


WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .


*follows around a family of ducks in the park while playing Sandstorm on a boombox*


Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.


Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.


Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.


ME: we should do this agai-

DATE: im busy that day


I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars