“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”

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I’m not saying your house is haunted, but I think a ghost just ate all of your Gummy Bears while you were in the bathroom.


I really need The Bangles to get back together and record Pandemic Monday


“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy


I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life


me: where do you live?

schrödinger’s cat: a box

me: I mean like what state

cat: both of them


My son asked me what language they speak in England. This would have been cute if he wasn’t 20 … And in college.


Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel


I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.