Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@ShortSleeveSuit

HER: NNNNNNNN

ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]

HER: ZZZZZZZZ

@Michael_Erhart

I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.

@SleazySli

I’m not saying your house is haunted, but I think a ghost just ate all of your Gummy Bears while you were in the bathroom.

@not_delicate

I really need The Bangles to get back together and record Pandemic Monday

@dyldonot

“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy

@ericaj1721

I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life

@Browtweaten

me: where do you live?

schrödinger’s cat: a box

me: I mean like what state

cat: both of them

@Eightinchgoat

My son asked me what language they speak in England. This would have been cute if he wasn’t 20 … And in college.

@blaha_Who

Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel

@mattgallo123

I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.