@RLJnews
When news reporters do sports stories
@david8hughes
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
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@RLJnews
@AndreyasAsylum
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
@ArfMeasures
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
@fro_vo
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
@ImaFlyontheWall
*follows around a family of ducks in the park while playing Sandstorm on a boombox*
@krustythe_klown
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
@PinkCamoTO
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
@dafloydsta
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
@aotakeo
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
@alexlumaga
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars