@david8hughes

[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”

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@215potter

If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.

@ieatanddrink

Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call

@1CleverGirl1

*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.

@Juan_Incognito

I was licking this girl all over her face right up until she explained to me what doggy style was.

@pixelatedboat

Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene

@ArrogantBB8

*hears your text message notification beep*

*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*

@vincevangone

I am “knows everything about Aardvarks because Mom bought an encyclopedia,” years old.

@michael_raphone

BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—

*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*

Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.

@TheAlexNevil

Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.