Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
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One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.