Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
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media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.