Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
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I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Autocorrect completely socks
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.