Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
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“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice