Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
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google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
My husband had a coworker who entered his baby in the local fair’s baby competition a while ago and I think they just make up superlatives for all of the babies because his won “sturdiest baby”
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Friend: I feel like half of the country is upset about the election.
Me: (knowing how votes work) slightly less than half.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.