Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
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This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
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