[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
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imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
when mom throws a party…
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.