lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
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oh good, now I can stop drinking
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
I feel seen
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”