Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
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[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
every college guy’s fridge
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.