@RobbyActually

started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds

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@NotARatsAss

My father could have the original copy of the Declaration of Independence on the counter, and still make a meatball sandwich over top of it.

@AzureDoo

Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.

He cooked 2 sausages.

@iDontWannaBeYhu

Money doesn’t buy happiness? Well it buys a jet ski. Have you ever seen a sad person on a jet ski? It’s impossible to be sad on a jet ski.

@CruisinSoozan

She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.

@CulturedRuffian

I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.

@_Ellsie_

Yeah I can take a hint. I’m not going to though.

@SamGrittner

Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.

@Cain_Unable

I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.

@natvanlis

Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.

Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.