Cop: are you on drugs?
Me: no of course not
Me: [Gollum voice] he lies to you
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
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I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room
[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
If Thomas Jefferson was alive today people would scream “What the hell? You’re almost 300 years old!”
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.