[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
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Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*