@AmberTozer

Started a karate club for people who don’t know karate we just do moves we see in movies lemme know if you’re interested old ppl are welcome

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@davidbfunny

Dear waiter,

You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.

Love,
David

@TheTweetOfGod

The two most popular gifts women receive on Valentine’s Day are a box of things that make her fat and a bouquet of things she can watch die.

@PimpBillClinton

The replacement refs pulled a @KimKardashian last night (screwed 53 rich black guys at the same time).

@FrogAvalanche

“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.

@MsKitty101

For being the most motivated sperm,

Some of us have really tapered off.

@causticbob

What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.

@DomComedy

If Dumbledore did a ‘Cribs’ episode for Hogwarts, he’d be like “and this is where the magic happens” in every room.

@sickipediabot

Breaking News ….. international womans day postsponed until tomorrow , as they haven’t got anything to wear

@codyspencer0

Cereal box mascots give kids a dangerously positive view of animals who in the wild would literally kill them before they gave them cereal.

@mom_ontherocks

I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.