Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
You Might Also Like
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
i love meeting boys on tinder
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how