@SwanieChicken

Started as a twitter crush, moved on to twitter boyfriend, now he’s my twitter husband.
Honeymooning on Google+ so we can be alone.

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@david8hughes

The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.

@HelloJessicaFox

I’m going to visit a dairy farm and pet all the cheeses and see if they’ll eat out of my hand.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[in a club]

ME: have you seen my moves?

HER: no

ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*

@AndreyasAsylum

My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.

@brennadine

[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”

@andlikelaura

voldemort: harry potter the boy who lived come to die

harry: asphinctersayswhat

voldemort: what

harry: *looking at imaginary camera* exactly

voldemort: who…who are you talking to

@MUMSIEesq

In my defense, they should have been more specific about which part of the restaurant I was supposed to “Drive Thru”

@Token_Geezer

Fun Prank:

Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move

@Tmoney68

Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.