The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Started as a twitter crush, moved on to twitter boyfriend, now he’s my twitter husband.
Honeymooning on Google+ so we can be alone.
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I’m going to visit a dairy farm and pet all the cheeses and see if they’ll eat out of my hand.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
voldemort: harry potter the boy who lived come to die
harry: *looking at imaginary camera* exactly
voldemort: who…who are you talking to
In my defense, they should have been more specific about which part of the restaurant I was supposed to “Drive Thru”
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.