Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
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Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
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Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.