@MyNameIsArchaic

Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?

CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.

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@ThaJawn

Doctor: *looking at chart* You need to go for walks more

Me: ok…

Doctor: *still looking at chart* and buy more treats

Me: What?

Doctor: *still looking at chart* and leave the toilet seat up

Me: Wait! You’re my dog in a lab coat!

@carlyken

If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.

@Skoog

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i always wear cargo shorts

professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry

me: oh here have a gatorade

professor x: thanks man

@TheAlexNevil

*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card

@EJGomez

dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance

@KissabiX

Robin: I refuse to be your side chick

Batman: …sidekick

R: *hiding overnight bag*
oh, I’ll just go and get the bat-mobile ready then

@SamuelHLowe

I bought some super sensitive condoms a few months ago and they won’t stop crying because I don’t use them.

@ZackBornstein

Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm

@Mr_Kapowski

If I was a villain, my weapon would be a fan and a bag of eyelashes for blinding superheroes

I’m a villain, don’t ask how I get my weapons

@Kids_kubed

Me: Go get everyone for dinner please

6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!

Me: I meant go walk and get them

6: But I like using my mommy voice

Me:

6: The screaming

Me: I got it