Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
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6: are snakes just neck?
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao