How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
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Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
dream blunt rotation
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.