Started the mower for the 1st time this year.36 pulls & then I passed out.When I came to, yard had crop circles & the beagle had a mohawk.

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I don’t come into YOUR bathroom and tell YOU how to tweet.


I don’t get why everyone talks so fast in old movies. What was the hurry? There was nothing to do back then.


Web MD is like a Choose Your Own Adventure book where the ending is always cancer.


Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busy

Friend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*


Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.

BFF: Why you lying?


* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications


BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*

ME: *dives out of the way*


As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.


Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success

Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine