I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
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Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
*me flirting
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”