I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
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Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.