@LeftAtLondon

Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on

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@markleggett

Stop complaining about the length of the Hobbit movies. Plays are 17 hours long. School plays are twice that.

@loribuckmajor

Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.

@TheBeerGuy73

Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.

I know this now.

@bobvulfov

ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook

84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them

@ihuffpaint

what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun

@zachreinert03

I’m getting a restraining order against my debt collectors. As much as they call me it’s really just starting to come across as desperate

@girl_a_whirl

Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms

@notnuthin

old lady: that’s not necessary

me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online

@_troyjohnson

The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.

@smhluckyme

If you don’t smile at yourself in the mirror at least twice a day, do you even brush your teeth?