Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
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You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Wait a minute…
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Sunday
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.