Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on

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Stop complaining about the length of the Hobbit movies. Plays are 17 hours long. School plays are twice that.


Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.


Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.

I know this now.


ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook

84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them


what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun


I’m getting a restraining order against my debt collectors. As much as they call me it’s really just starting to come across as desperate


Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms


old lady: that’s not necessary

me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online


The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.


If you don’t smile at yourself in the mirror at least twice a day, do you even brush your teeth?