Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
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I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?