Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
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I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
The only time me and a girl orgasmed at the same time,nnShe didn’t even know I was in the cupboard.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Cardinals are fornicating on my porch again! The birds…not the religious robey dudes.
“Why don’t you love me anymore?” I sob as I gather my belongings. “Is it because of the kleptomania?” I cry as I put your cat in my purse.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: … V-Verizon.