@timdonakowski

Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.

You Might Also Like

@robotrowboat

[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one

@primawesome

I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.

@daplusk

The only time me and a girl orgasmed at the same time,nnShe didn’t even know I was in the cupboard.

@leechee420

Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.

@IvoryGazelle

I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”

@imchriskelly

“What charities do you donate to?”

“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”

@ipalatsky

Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.

@AngelaLovesNY

Cardinals are fornicating on my porch again! The birds…not the religious robey dudes.

@brittwastaken

“Why don’t you love me anymore?” I sob as I gather my belongings. “Is it because of the kleptomania?” I cry as I put your cat in my purse.

@batkaren

HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.