Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
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3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
im 7 sauces long
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.