@TheGrimKing

Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.

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@Marlebean

As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.

@CaucasianJames

marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad

@UncleDuke1969

Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.

@tupacasnack

*at waffle house*

“do you want bacon or sausage?”

‘YES’

@danadonly

Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?

@jordan_stratton

My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”

@heelyfanaccount

[at a party]

him: are u the guy that starts talking in a british accent when u meet a hot girl

me: what no lol who told u that

him: my bad i got u mixed up with someone else. btw this is my friend rachel

me: ello govna

@malt_skull

[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up

@Girliegurll

I just spent 38 minutes on the phone w my mother. And she couldn’t tell I was drinking. I’m worried about her, now.