Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
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I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Something Saturday.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe