Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
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I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house