Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
You Might Also Like
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.