Starting to think my wife might have a tumor. She’s had a headache for the past 15 years.

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After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.


Elf on the Shelf Log:

Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.

Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.

Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.

Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.

Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.


COP: are you armed

ME: yes

COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count

ME [sadly]: then no


Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.


The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.


Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place

While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy


*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*

[2 seconds later]

Shit I need a paper clip


Tonight I’ll actually go to bed on time and get sleep!

the most money ever paid for a cow at an auction was $1.3 million