@robotrowboat

Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.

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@CovertAgentP

Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.

@UnfilteredMama

Toddler: *babbling nonsense*

Me: Ok, got it!

Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.

@junejuly12

*orders sushi for delivery*

*throws towel over aquarium*

@j0eg0d

I got in touch with my inner child and the little shit hung up on me.

@PavelASamsonov

It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”

@Dutch_50

I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”

@SaraESpivey

Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.

@BangMyBongo

Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children

@Gooooats

Hurricanes should have scary names that instill a proper sense of alarm. Names like GOLTOG HARVESTER OF SOULS or Britni.

@AphroditeAfter5

My boyfriend wants to do it like three times a week—–together. He’s so demanding!