Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
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My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
My boss at Walmart said I have to stop Febreezing the homeless and that they aren’t homeless, they’re customers.
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull