Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.

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My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.


I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.


*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.


*getting murdered*

Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert


[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]


friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too


My boss at Walmart said I have to stop Febreezing the homeless and that they aren’t homeless, they’re customers.


me: push!

wife: [in labor] I AM

me: push harder!!

wife: I CAN’T

me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull