Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.

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Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.


Toddler: *babbling nonsense*

Me: Ok, got it!

Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.


*orders sushi for delivery*

*throws towel over aquarium*


I got in touch with my inner child and the little shit hung up on me.


It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”


I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”


Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.


Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children


Hurricanes should have scary names that instill a proper sense of alarm. Names like GOLTOG HARVESTER OF SOULS or Britni.


My boyfriend wants to do it like three times a week—–together. He’s so demanding!