Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
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Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL