@AmishPornStar1

Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.

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@XplodingUnicorn

Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.

4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?

My wife: He cried the most.

@trevso_electric

“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance

@JoParkerBear

My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.

@drunkNnaughty

I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.

@mishakey

If I can see your boner I’m going to acknowledge it with a subtle head nod. Respect.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?

@AristotlesNZ

Cop: “You been drinkin?”
Me: I’m going to dinner w/my wife’s mom & 94yo granny
“You’re free to go..”
Come on dude. Can’t you just arrest me?