Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
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If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Monday
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Who wants to be my Valentine?
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers