Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
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“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Of course Jesus saves. He’s Jewish.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
If I can see your boner I’m going to acknowledge it with a subtle head nod. Respect.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Cop: “You been drinkin?”
Me: I’m going to dinner w/my wife’s mom & 94yo granny
“You’re free to go..”
Come on dude. Can’t you just arrest me?
What the hell, Chris?