@WilliamAder

Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.

You Might Also Like

@Sean_Burgundy_

Prank caller: Is your refrigerator running?

Me: Of course. Can’t have these bodies at room temperature

@ericsshadow

[talking to son on the phone]

“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”

I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.

@bridger_w

When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with

@HellRaisingHell

Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!

@Just_Wanjiru

My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.

@jokesuk

Woman: Does Viagra work?

Pharmacist: Yes

Woman: Can you get it over the counter?

Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!

@MarlonBrandNO

Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES

Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date

Blind Date: WHAT

Me: Kind of like a big raisin

@iamspacegirl

pros of being a jellyfish:

-gelatinous body type.
-tentacles.
-sting the shit out of anything that tries to hug you.
-low expectations.