Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.

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Prank caller: Is your refrigerator running?

Me: Of course. Can’t have these bodies at room temperature


[talking to son on the phone]

“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”

I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.


When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with


Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!


My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.


Woman: Does Viagra work?

Pharmacist: Yes

Woman: Can you get it over the counter?

Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!



Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date

Blind Date: WHAT

Me: Kind of like a big raisin


pros of being a jellyfish:

-gelatinous body type.
-sting the shit out of anything that tries to hug you.
-low expectations.