Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
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I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?