Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
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Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
the official breakfast of 2021
Beards are a privilege, not a right
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Always the camel, never the toe.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click