[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
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who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
congratulations to them
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently