@copymama

*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*

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@Parkerlawyer

It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”

@hereholddeez

SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE

@Turbo_Jimmy

UK – We call it Autumn, from the French word “autompne” and later, the Latin “autumnus”

USA – WE CALL IT FALL BECAUSE LEAF FALL DOWN

@MittenDAmour

A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.

@va_cc11

Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.

@VanGobot

[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself

@TragicAllyHere

*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE

@vineyille

Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.

Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*

@TattleTSister

I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.

@thesarahthing

“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”