You know you’re a bad driver when Siri tells you “after 400 feet stop and let me out”
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
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Cop: Have you seen your neighbor recently?
Me: I’ve always had that brick wall in the pantry.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
HR at my work just called me and i thought i was in trouble for something but they just let me know my 11-year-old sister has been commenting on their instagram every day telling them to give me a raise
The key to breaking bones is to make sure they are someone else’s.
[At urinal maker store]
Urinal maker: Let’s make some of them curved so the pee splashes on their legs LOL.
Other urinal maker: K. LOL
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*