It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
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I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
UK – We call it Autumn, from the French word “autompne” and later, the Latin “autumnus”
USA – WE CALL IT FALL BECAUSE LEAF FALL DOWN
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”