*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
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first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo