@copymama

*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*

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@close_c

You know you’re a bad driver when Siri tells you “after 400 feet stop and let me out”

@EyalTweet

Cop: Have you seen your neighbor recently?

Me: I’ve always had that brick wall in the pantry.

@JulianLeeComedy

About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.

@GregHenchman

“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens

@natfos

HR at my work just called me and i thought i was in trouble for something but they just let me know my 11-year-old sister has been commenting on their instagram every day telling them to give me a raise

@jergarl

[At urinal maker store]

Urinal maker: Let’s make some of them curved so the pee splashes on their legs LOL.

Other urinal maker: K. LOL

@bartandsoul

Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy

Wife: You’re supposed to cook it

@aissalanis

Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?

Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*