I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
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A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
My purse is deeper than some people.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.