Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
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My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
My girlfriend just walked in and called me gay… If
my nails weren’t drying I swear to god…
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”
[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*