[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
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So sad America ranks 25th in the world in math. But at least we’re still in the top 10.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
You know that confused look that old people get when looking at new technology? I’m like that, but with salad.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Whenever someone says “let’s get weird” my first thought is “I’m already there”