[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
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GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.