When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
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[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Your girlfriend deserves nothing but the best, so give her my number because you ain’t shit
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.