@AbrasiveGhost

[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]

Me: oh no

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@Jason_Horton

When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready

@buttgh0st

[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho

@MaraWritesStuff

Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too

@mayamanion

Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.

@WilliamAder

If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.

@stayfrea_

Your girlfriend deserves nothing but the best, so give her my number because you ain’t shit

@SondraDeeMe

COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.

@adamgreattweet

Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs

Sounds like I’m eating water and air today

@freshestginger

*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!

*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*

@rickkondell

Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.