[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]

Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.

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I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly


Cleaning a house while toddlers are in it is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.


“I don’t need any more books. I need to finish the books I have.”

Sees new book:


My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”


The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?


In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.


Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.

Me: These are my legs.


*gives ex wife’s next door neighbour a drum kit for Christmas*


When I was young I wanted to date a doctor for money.
Can you believe how superficial I was?!?
Now I would date him for the prescriptions.


teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like

me *raises hand*

teacher: yes good example