[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
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cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
what it’s like dating me:
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.