[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
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Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me: