*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
You Might Also Like
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How鈥檚 my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Follow me on instagram here!
It won鈥檛 all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
uber drivers love asking where you鈥檙e from even though they just picked you up from there
wow he looks just like him
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 馃拃馃拃
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they鈥檝e made their choice.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
I鈥檓 thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn鈥檛 get the package 馃槖
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
鈥楽up
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
people are doing cold plunges and i鈥檓 like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Gorilla: so I鈥檓 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I鈥檓 not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it鈥檚 kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket