*starts throwing a fit*

Iron man: Here. Eat a Snickers.

Doctor Banner: Thanks, bro.

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Get married and have kids so that you can be woken up at 4:56 am on a Saturday by someone asking what the opposite of “J” is.


People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.


Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.


My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.


It takes 43 muscles to frown, which is why my face looks so ripped.


Saw an Italian nativity scene:

• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
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INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?


Dear commercial,

If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.


Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!