@DumbConfessions

*starts throwing a fit*

Iron man: Here. Eat a Snickers.

Doctor Banner: Thanks, bro.

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@cray_at_home_ma

Get married and have kids so that you can be woken up at 4:56 am on a Saturday by someone asking what the opposite of “J” is.

@Jandalize

People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.

@bonniemcfarlane

Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.

@NYC_Blonde

My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.

@cdpeck

It takes 43 muscles to frown, which is why my face looks so ripped.

@clichedout

Saw an Italian nativity scene:

• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys

@jwoodham

INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?

@AnniemuMary

Dear commercial,

If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.

@frankzulla

Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!