*starts throwing a fit*

Iron man: Here. Eat a Snickers.

Doctor Banner: Thanks, bro.

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me: I always follow my moral compass

friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass


I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.


When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.


A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.


Me: He died of natural causes.
Cop: You pushed him off a cliff.
Me: Gravity is natural.


“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War


Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.


I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.

I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.