Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
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I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
When your parents check you’re ok.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes