@DumbConfessions

*starts throwing a fit*

Iron man: Here. Eat a Snickers.

Doctor Banner: Thanks, bro.

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@Andrea__B__

Why is it that everyone hears the car alarm for a good 5 minutes before the owner does?

@prufrockluvsong

me: I always follow my moral compass

friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass

@MunkMania

I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.

@snatch_stache

When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.

@MichaelTrying

A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.

@sassiocity

Me: He died of natural causes.
Cop: You pushed him off a cliff.
Me: Gravity is natural.

@RowdyBowden

“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War

@leechee420

Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.

@JocMaxedOut

I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.

I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.