Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
(starts to scramble eggs)
“THESE YOLKS WON’T BREAK! THIS IS TAKING FOREVER!”
(.0008 seconds later)
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Me: *cleans kitchen and does laundry
Wife: looks like someone is getting lucky
Me: 1 hour of uninterrupted Call of Duty?
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
“Wait, let me explain..”
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
If you love someone, set them free. If they cry and refuse to leave the bathroom you’re in, they’re your kids.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
I want a bouncy house at my funeral. And I want to be in it, too. When all my friends jump, my lifeless body will bounce with them. What fun