If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
You Might Also Like
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants