@HatfieldAnne

(starts to scramble eggs)

“THESE YOLKS WON’T BREAK! THIS IS TAKING FOREVER!”

(.0008 seconds later)

“Oh, ok.”

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@Kyle_Lippert

Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches

@johngcaldwell4

Me: *cleans kitchen and does laundry
Wife: looks like someone is getting lucky
Me: 1 hour of uninterrupted Call of Duty?
W: Yes
Me: WOOHOO!

@queer_queenie

Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war

Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right

Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being

@jwoodham

BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”

@coolauntV

Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook

@ashleyaustrew

If you love someone, set them free. If they cry and refuse to leave the bathroom you’re in, they’re your kids.

@DiamondLou69

Feeling a little sad…

…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.

@saltymamas

Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?

That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.

*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*

@bourgeoisalien

I want a bouncy house at my funeral. And I want to be in it, too. When all my friends jump, my lifeless body will bounce with them. What fun